Mannu Bhai motor chali pum-pum-pum

Wonder how many of you recall this Kishore Kumar song that was popular years ago, the lyrics are as follows :

Mannu Bhai motor chali pum pum pum
Chaupaati jaayengey ne bhelpuri khayengey
Acchhi achhi sooraton se aankhen ladaayengey
Hallaa machaayengey ! Gulla machaayengey !
Bandbaajaa bajegaa dham dham dham !

If Mannu Bhai had been a taxi driver and been reborn in Bombay - ooooppps Mumbai - today, he might have had to change his name to Mahadev Bhau and sing this song in Marathi instead :

Mannu dada motor chalali pum pum pum
Chaupati jauya ani bhelphuri khauya
Chhaan chhaan mulinshi dolyaat dole milauya
Gondhal ghaluya ! Dhamal karuya !
Bandbaaja waje dham dham dham !

While some people may term this move by the Maharashtra State Government misguided, parochial or just plain silly, I think it’s quite a good idea, though not fully thought out. There is one flaw in this policy that could keep it from achieving maximum impact. While it makes Marathi compulsory, it does not make forgetting Hindi equally necessary. There may be taxi drivers that know both Marathi and Hindi, and hence conversation between passenger and taxi driver may yet be conducted in a language other than Marathi.

Lacking funds to implement either a linguistic memory wipe or partial lobotomy for taxi drivers, I suggest the state take recourse in the simple solution of passing a policy that makes it compulsory for passengers in taxis to know and speak in Marathi too. It should not be too difficult to monitor this. The state could invest in a speed-gun like instrument that detects and identifies the source of any non-Marathi language being spoken within a fixed radius. Policemen wielding this - let’s call it the ‘Language Lathi’ - could be stationed at traffic signals, major crossings etc and could dole out hefty fines and / or imprisonment for inadequate Marathi knowledge. (Note : I have stocked up on copies of ‘Learn Marathi in 30 Days’ – contact me once the copies in shops are sold out.)

Once this phase has been implemented, I suggest that in phase 2 the state focus on easy identification and targeting for MOB (Marathi Observation Bureau) purposes. In this phase, it will be made compulsory for every cabbie to display a black-and-white map of India on the taxi’s windshield with only the cabbie’s state-of-origin marked in colour. Every inhabitant of Mumbai should also be forced to carry a small map that declares state-of-origin in a similar fashion - though they can keep it in their wallets and do not need to stick it on their foreheads or chests.

In phase 3 the Grand Plan really comes together. Now, each religion will be assigned a colour and the state-of-origin should be in that colour. So now, we meet anyone and we know all that is important about them. Ah ! Bihar in Green, this person is a Muslim from Bihar. TN in saffron, a Hindu from TN ! Aiga ! Maharashtra in saffron – a mulga from the motherland ! Somebody wake up Mr. Nilekani, these are the important details for the Unique Identification card, all other details are just incidental.

Acknowledgements – Many thanks to Adolf Bhau for showing the way through his experiments with the yellow star (info here and here).
I Remain,
Yours sincerely,
Zenobai